-I'm thinking about buying a pet. -Yeah?
-Pets make good company, right? -Are you gonna buy an old fart?
No! Who wants an old fart for a pet?!
-I want a parrot. -A parrot? Okay.
When I get home, it'll say, "Welcome back!" Wouldn't that be sweet?
-"Welcome back"? Your parrot talks?! -Why do you sound scared?
-It's so smart, it knows how to talk?! -No! It'll talk because I'll make it talk.
If it does exactly what you tell it to do, that'll make you feel better?
-You'll forget the fact you made it talk? -That's what parrots are all about.
Let me take a guess: When we were kids, alarm clocks played recorded messages.
Most kids got their friends to say "Wake up!" for them.
But you were such a loner, you taped your own voice.
-Am I right? -Don't tell everyone!
You woke yourself up. You're the loneliest guy in history!
Where'd my conversation go? The topic was "Parrots." Parrots are cute!
No talking parrots for me.
-They're cute. -Nope.
-Talking parrots are cute. -Nope.
-They're cute. -They're not.
-They are! -They're not!
SUMMER, 2001
-Is this how summer festivals originated? -Huh?! I have no idea how they started.
We were talking about how cute parrots are.
I'm getting nervous.
I'm gonna take a crap.
I'm home!
I stepped on the cat
I stepped on the cat and it scratched me
The cat scratched me
The cat got shocked and it scratched me
You bad cat!
Clip your claws!
Come down off the roof
You brought the clothes in?
Thanks, guys.
The cat meows
It's as harmless as a kitten
With its silky voice
The cat is playing cute
Aiko, why aren't you playing?
-There's no sound. -No sound?
You have to switch it on.
Try it now.
Aiko?
What's wrong, Aiko?
Did you get nervous?
Why are you crying?
"I'm thinking about buying a pet. Pets make good company, right?"
"You gonna buy an old fart?"
"Who wants an old fart? I want a parrot."
"A parrot? Okay."
"When I get home, it'll say, 'Welcome back!' Wouldn't--"
When will they get off stage?!
You rotten whore!
Mr. Kanichi!
The Atami Sea Fireworks will begin soon.
Please move towards the observatory area.
Please do not speak such sadness.
Let go, I say!
Blinded by the sparkle of his diamonds, you belong to that scoundrel, Tomiyama!
No longer are you the Miya I once loved.
Don't be so cruel!
'Twas all to pay for your studies abroad.
I am...
I am sad beyond words.
Way to go, chairman!
Bravo!
Miya!
You say 'twas all for me, but Miya...
Excuse me.
The fireworks start at 8 p.m., don't they?
So?
When will those old farts finish? Can't you make them stop?
I can't. They're big-shots down here.
-That's a good reason. -Whose side are you on?
But the fireworks will start.
Don't worry. You'll get paid.
...from tonight I shall become a demon.
And I shall feast upon betraying beasts like you.
Dear Miya.
Or shall I call you "Lady Tomiyama"?
You whore.
Take a good look at the face of the honest man I was.
Mr. Kanichi!
Forgive me!
If the moon is hidden one year from tonight,
know that I still curse you.
It will be my tears that cloud the sky, just as they do tonight!
You're the best in Japan!
A true star!
Thanks for watching.
Encore! Encore! Encore!
Ladies and gentlemen,
to humbly fulfill your requests for an encore,
we shall do the famous scene where Kanichi rejects Miya one last time.
Hello.
Go for it!
Mr. Kanichi, I have one question:
What would you do if I married Tomiyama?
What?!
Prepare to see Atami's night sky light up in color.
The big show starts soon!
-You were amazing this year, too. -Really?
Thank them once again!
Next up, Sparks!
Hello!
We're Sparks. Please enjoy the show.
You know what?
-I'm thinking about buying a pet. -Yeah?
-Pets make good company, right? -Are you gonna buy an old fart?
No! Who wants an old fart for a pet?! I want a parrot.
A parrot? Okay.
When I get home, it'll say, "Welcome back!" Wouldn't that be sweet?
-"Welcome back"? Your parrot talks?! -Why do you sound scared?
-It's so smart, it knows how to talk?! -No! It'll talk because I'll make it talk.
If it does exactly what you tell it to do, that'll make you feel better?
-Yeah! -You'll forget the fact you made it talk?
That's what parrots do!
The audience loved it.
Chairman! You were amazing!
-Thank you. -Thank you very much, good work.
Now I've tried it, I agree.
Talking parrots are cute.
After listening to you, I don't want a parrot at all!
-Don't change your mind so easily! -Why are you angry with me?
I've had enough! Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
I'll get revenge.
Next up, Ahondara!
We're Ahondara.
Howdy.
I'm psychic.
I can tell whether a person will go to heaven or hell
just by looking at their face.
Really? That's amazing, if it's true.
Hell.
Hell, hell, hell...
Oh, my.
Our audience is full of sinners. Repent!
Why are you talking like that? You're weird.
Hell...
Hey!
You wanna fight?!
Come here and say that!
Hell, hell, hell...
I'll kill you!
Shut up.
Asshole!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our biggest fireworks...
Sorry, little lady. You're going to a fun hell.
Couldn't you lie and tell her "heaven"?
Nope. Lying is a sin.
You're a tough judge!
I'll buy you an ice cream later. And a doll you can dress up.
Let her choose what she wants.
Hell, hell, hell...
And that guy's late for the fireworks!
-Where's he going? -To hell.
I knew it!
-He gets fireworks for eternity. -Well said!
Hell, hell, hell...
Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell...
That's how I met Mr. Kamiya.
HIBANA - Spark -
Coming to the afterparty? Same place as always!
-You coming? -I'd love to.
How about you?
No, thanks.
Okay. Later.
Excuse me...
Here are your beers.
Drink up.
Order whatever you want. I've got the bill.
Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Tokunaga, from Sparks.
I'm Ahondara's Kamiya.
You chose an amazing name. "Ahondara." (Boofhead)
I'm not good at naming things.
My dad always called me "Ahondara," so I just took that.
What did your dad call you?
My dad...
That's what he called me.
Hey.
He called you "My Dad"? Don't scare me.
I couldn't tell if it was a joke or if your dad was an idiot.
Sorry.
Don't apologize.
Always say whatever comes into your head.
Yessir.
One more chance. What did your dad call you?
"All You Need Is Love."
-He was? -"Ghost Town."
-Mom said? -"Go To School!"
-Your reply? -"Today's Sunday."
Those nicknames are ridiculous!
It took us a while to find a punchline there.
Was comedy always this difficult?
I nearly vomited.
Let's drink. Like I said, I've got the bill.
I've got the bill, too. I mean, let's split it.
You stupid?
In the world of comedians,
big brothers always pay for little brothers.
Yessir.
Boss, I'm out.
See you tomorrow.
Our style of comedy is manzai.
Being a manzai artist isn't about having a funny imagination.
When we're on stage, we bare our souls for everyone to see.
That means
we have to be true to our hearts and live life to the fullest.
If you preach about how a manzai artist should act,
you'll never be one.
You'll just be a wannabe.
But, Mr. Kamiya, aren't you preaching about how a manzai artist should act?
I'm sorry.
Were you trying to be funny?
If you were, I'll beat the crap out of you.
I wasn't.
It was an honest question.
"Preaching about how manzai artists should act" and "talking about manzai artists."
They are two totally different things!
I was talking about manzai artists, okay?
Yessir.
Sorry, but we're closing up now.
Could we have two more drinks each?
Yeah, sure.
Here on holiday?
I'm a local god.
-Boss, just two highballs. -Coming up.
Bye.
"Local god"? That totally fell flat.
Mr. Kamiya.
What?
Please let me be your apprentice.
Something smells good.
Is it some kind of flower?
Isn't it a bit strong?
Idiot. That's what's good about it.
-And about you becoming my apprentice... -Yessir?
There's one condition.
One condition? What is it?
I want you to write my biography.
Biography?
Like those famous people?
Yeah. You got it.
If you write it, you can be an official apprentice.
Understood. I'll write it.
From now on, write about each day
in your own words, while it's still alive.
Yessir.
But why do you want a biography?
Because I don't want you to forget me.
Are you dying?
No, idiot!
Why would I die? Don't kill me.
-I thought you-- -Don't think I'll die.
Tonight, we were like two gorillas shaking hands with too strong a grip.
What? Ouch!
-Thank you. -Let go, gorilla!
I'm this way.
Thanks for dinner!
It was nothing.
Nothing at all.
INOUE'S STATIONERY STORE
Hello?
Excuse me.
-What do you want? -It's not what you think.
How about this one?
It looks great.
-How much is it? -Two thousand yen.
It's not cheap.
Kamiya's biography
Part 1
Beginning August, 2001
I'm thinking about buying a pet.
Pets make good company, right?
Are you gonna buy an old fart?
Hey...
-"We're finally alone." -"But, teacher! We mustn't."
-"I know you want it." -"But, teacher..."
"Teacher...
Teacher!"
Did you hear our math teacher got a divorce?
Remember Ms. Takayama? She married that firefighter.
-Miyuki got divorced? -You're on a first-name basis?
-When? -About two months ago.
Mom said so.
-So, it's a lie. -It's true.
-Really? -I think so.
-Go get her. -Why didn't you tell me earlier?!
"Write about each day, in your own words, while it's still alive."
Ahondara (manzai artist)
SEIWASOU APARTMENTS
"I'm thinking about buying a pet. Pets make good company, right?"
"You gonna buy an old fart?" "No! Who wants an old fart?!
-I want a parrot." -"A parrot? Okay."
"When I get home, it'll say, 'Welcome back!' Wouldn't that be sweet?"
"'Welcome back'? Your parrot talks? It's so smart, it knows how to talk?!"
-Sorry. -You're sleepy.
-No. -Yes, you are.
I am.
Welcome.
Welcome!
What? What is with you?!
What are you talking about? I said, parrots that talk are cute.
-They are? -Yeah.
I'll be your parrot. Come home.
Hi, parrot, I'm home.
What's your retirement plan?
Why would he say that? He's not my mom!
When will you redecorate?
Don't diss my interior designing. I want a cute parrot.
Hi, parrot, I'm home.
I need to have a word with you.
Sorry, my line.
Don't you wanna be big?
Of course I do.
Once more.
Hi, parrot, I'm home.
-I need to have a word with you. -This doesn't sound good.
-Pass the sauce. -"Pass the sauce"?!
I said a "cute" parrot!
SEIWASOU APARTMENTS
Hello?
Where are you?
At home.
That means you're in Tokyo?
If you were in Osaka, I'd buy you dinner.
Don't you ever come down here?
Well...
Who'd call us for a gig? We don't even have work here.
Are you writing my biography?
Yes, but aren't biographies published after the subject dies?
Then make it a trilogy.
"Part 1 - Alive." "Part 2 - Dead."
"Part 3 - The Afterlife"? I don't think so.
It's funnier that way.
I just talked with a random old guy about my childhood.
My family wasn't poor or anything.
I had computer games and toys and stuff to play with.
But he said his generation didn't have anything to play with.
I shouldn't say this, but...
I really envy him.
If I didn't have anything to play with, I would've created something myself.
That would've been great fun.
You know what I mean. You were poor.
Well, yeah. We were poor--
Tell me that story.
The one about your sister.
Again?
Come on. Tell me.
-Bye-bye! -Bye-bye!
-I'm home! -Welcome back.
Sis, it's a piano!
What's wrong, sis?
You don't have to use that anymore.
Come on, sis.
Play it.
Mom, thank you so much.
One, two, three, four!
I stepped on the cat
I stepped on the cat and it scratched me
The cat scratched me
The cat got shocked and it scratched me
Mom bought it for my sister without telling anyone.
Dad was so angry.
"Why did you buy it?! Look how poor we are!"
But the neighbors complained it was too noisy.
She ended up going back to her paper keyboard.
That's beautiful.
What a beautiful story.
There's a certain type of laughter nobody but you can create.
Sorry, run out of battery. Later.
HYUGA AGENCY
Good morning.
Good morning!
Is Mr. Ogata in?
WE CAN'T HELP YOU
Good morning.
Why did he take on comedians?
Look at them. They have no chance of making it big.
Our boss and his whims...
We manage actors, right?
I'm suddenly in charge of comedians?
What am I supposed to do?
Boss.
Thank you.
Why not give it less negativity, and try your best?
Boss, I didn't mean...
There's no problem.
This is your next job.
A supermarket event?
Rome wasn't built in a day. You're going to the top, right?
But, I mean...
It's always the same thing.
So?
What about TV?
Listen, guys.
There are no big or little jobs.
It's all about whether your manzai is good or bad.
If you do good manzai, you'll get your chance.
But...
Don't the TV stations have open mic days?
-"Open mic"? -Yes.
Oga-boy.
What is an "open mic"?
"Open mic"?
A new sex position?
-Really? -What's it like?
Boss!
Nishioka's Memory has been canceled.
The Saturday night show?
For real?!
Hello? Hyuga speaking.
I'm the boss.
It's... dead.
-For real? -For real?
It can't be!
No way.
Bye.
-This isn't manzai. -You're right.
-Why us? -I wonder.
Okay, guys. Let's march!
Your zipper's open.
-Behind you. -Zip me up.
What are you doing?
I can't see.
Welcome to the 2001 New Tokyo Beef Fair!
It's the hottest place to be!
Roll up! Roll up!
Would you like a free sample?
Roll up!
The one and only New Tokyo Beef Fair!
The 2001 New Tokyo Beef Fair!
Would you like a sample?
Great job, guys!
-Thanks, sir. -Thanks, sir.
-You sure are professionals. -Can't hide it, huh?
Here's lunch. Plenty left over.
-Eat up! -Thank you.
"Graze" up.
Like cows...
-What the hell? -Cut it out. He'll hear you.
-I detest him. -Enough already.
Is this what life's about?
I wanna be big.
I wanna be big!
"Hi, parrot, I'm home."
"Can't you take me for a walk more often?"
"Don't be so selfish!"
"I'm thinking about buying a pet. Pets make good company, right?"
"Are you gonna buy an old fart?"
"Who wants an old fart for a pet?!
I want a parrot. Something cute." Right?
"Do you want dinner? A bath? Or will you fly away with me?"
"Hi, parrot, I'm home."
"We were robbed? Tell me what happened!"
"He took your checkbook--" "We really have been robbed!"
Try coming home.
Hi, parrot, I'm home.
Do you want dinner? A bath? Or will you fly away with me?
Don't pretend to be my wife. And I can't fly. I'm not a bird.
I don't need a wife-like parrot.
Hi, parrot, I'm home.
A strange man just came in and took my birdseed.
We had a weird thief?
What kind of thief would steal your birdseed instead of my money?
-That'll work. -Yeah.
-Hi, parrot, I'm home. -You should get a wife.
Shut up! That's why I got you. To forget my loneliness!
Wanna try putting those wife routines together?
Yeah, they should connect.
Hi, parrot, I'm home.
Do you want dinner? A bath? Or will you fly away with...
-Fly. Away. With. Me? -What's with the strange rhythm?
And you kind of stammered.
It's "Fly away with me."
-Flyaway withme. -Still strange.
"Flyaway withme." Who says that?
You were closer the first time.
SEIWASOU APARTMENTS
ROOM 101 TOKUNAGA
Hello?
Where are you?
Tokyo.
That excuse won't work much longer.
What do you mean?
We're making the move to Tokyo.
I'm going to be a big Tokyo boy myself.
Did something happen?
Well...
Nothing in particular.
We've been working in Osaka for six years.
Our buddies have either become TV stars, or they've quit.
When we do theater gigs, we're surrounded by younger comedians.
They treat us like dinosaurs.
So, I said to my partner, "Why not go to Tokyo?"
I told the agency today.
I see.
So, that's that.
I'll call you when I find a place to live.
I'm hanging up. I've got a lot to organize.
Goodbye.
This smells good.
It's "sweet olive tree" season.
The scent is so lovely.
Don't you think it's a bit strong?
-That's what's good about it. -Really?
Look this way.
I'm hungry.
Wanna grab something to eat?
Mr. Kamiya was coming to Tokyo. I was happy beyond words.
But at the same time, I had an uneasy feeling.
Back then, I had no idea why such a feeling was creeping up on me.